Why Today's Generation Dumped Traditional Dating

By: Drusilla Ollennu

IG: @toldbydrudoll

Twitter: @toldbydrudoll

 toldbydrudoll.com 

Remember what old school dating used to be like?  When people would go on several dates; and they took their time to get to know someone before taking the next step? Remember when men would pick women up in their cars for a date; and if they didn't have a car, they took public transportation and met the women in front of their homes? That was back in the day, or at least it feels like it. These actions are not entirely extinct, but back in the day, it was a societal norm to take it slow with dating. Now? Not so much.

Before I move forward with this article, I'm going to say that I accept the fact that everyone has different desires, standards, and expectations. I cannot speak for anyone but myself, and what I write is from personal experience. In my adult life, most of the men I've dated no longer exercise these "back in the day" dating traditions. It might take only one or two dates before a guy tries to get frisky.  Sometimes, there won't even need to be a date; there are some guys that just go in for the kill (aka attempting to have sex) during the first encounter. At some point I've started to wonder why this is becoming the new norm. My generation is taking less time to know one another, creating and ending relationships at a rapid rate, and I can't help but wonder, why? Why are we moving so much more quickly with each other without building a strong foundation? I'm not only talking about sex, I'm also referring to taking the next step with living arrangements and marriage. Once again, I'm not judging anyone for his or her decisions, do you boo boo! I'm just curious as to what triggered the shift in relationship dynamics over the years.

One of the reasons I believe dating and relationships have changed so much: technology. Just hear me out. Of course, other factors play a role, such as familial dynamics, issues with trust and commitment, past relationships that have failed, and many others, but what I have come to realize is that today's generation in particular feeds off of instant gratification. Thanks to technology, we're used to a fast pace. If you think about it, everything happens instantly: fast food, next day mail delivery, day to day communication (text messaging and emails), quick access to movies (Netflix), transportation (Uber, Lift), and the list goes on! You don't have to even make an effort to try to find someone to date because there's Tinder, Match.com...no shade to those platforms, but I'm just highlighting the immediate accessibility that comes with technology. We can pretty much get access to anything we want, at any time, and very quickly. In a world where we live this instant lifestyle, why wouldn't that also translate into our dating lives? Today's tech generation lacks patience because we are accustomed to convenience and immediate results in almost everything, and that mindset doesn't necessarily switch off when we hit the dating scene. 

With the way that our world has evolved, the speed of traditional dating is no longer appealing to many. But I can't help but wonder: did traditional dating produce more effective relationships than those of today? From my own experience, it is becoming more and more rare to come across individuals who are involved in long-term relationships. Today, we're all about the "cuffing season" (aka the time for 'seasonal relationships'), "Netflix and chill," "side chick," "this is just bae" culture; all of which sound like very temporary relationships. My parents took years to get to know each other and they have been together for thirty eight years now. I'm not sharing this to boast or make anyone feel bad, but I believe that there is something worth cherishing in traditional dating. Maybe being raised by traditional parents and witnessing the shift in how people interact with each other today makes me want to explore why we have dumped our old ways. I don't know all the answers; but whatever the case may be, what I do know is that technology plays a bigger part in our love lives more than we realize. Would you agree? 

Should you know a person’s past when pursing them?

By: Telicia Barksdale 

Question: Have you ever cheated on someone?

Answer: I’ve cheated in every relationship I’ve been in.

*****JUDGEMENT PROCESSING*****PLEASE WAIT***** JUDGEMENT PROCESSING*

Judgment:

“They’re serial cheater. They have cheated on every partner they have ever been with, and they’re probably going to cheat on me.”

Problem:

You’ve made a decision of who they are presently, based on what they did in the past.

______________________________________________________

“The only thing constant in life is change”

For all you know the only relationships that man may have had were during his adolescent years, and I can tell you the person that I am today is not the same person I was when I was 18. My mindset, my actions, my personality have changed.

We go through life we grow and learn from our experiences.

Don’t judge me for things I have done with an underdeveloped mind, body or spirit.

But with that said,

I see no harm in asking questions about the past.

Not focusing so much on what they did, but focusing more on their PRESENT thoughts about their PAST.

So for example:

Question: Have you ever been in a monogamous relationship with anyone?

Male A: “No, I used to mess with a bunch of females back in the day, I lived that life and loved it. Ahh those were the days, if only I could go back.”

Male B: “No, I used to date a lot of different females back in the day, I lived that life for a while but eventually it got old. “

Both of these males did the same thing in the past; however based on their responses, Male B sounds more likely to be successful in a monogamous relationship than Male A. So there’s nothing wrong with taking that response, noting it, and moving along.

The responses to questions about their past helps you identify things like:

Whether or not they are capable of growth?

Do they know right from wrong?

What type of morals they may have?

What do they value?

What they’re looking for?

Etc.

So by simply making conversation and sharing stories you’re getting to know each other. You’re getting to know each other without bluntly asking questions back to back, and making the date cold and awkward.

SO to sum it up, judge the response to the action and not the action…. Just kidding…well kind of J

Untying The Knot: Hall Passes and Today's Relationship Culture

 By: Ayana Bryant-Weekes

I remember Hall Passes. In middle school, they were written proof that I had permission to get out of class and roam the hallway. Whether I was taking a "bored with class bathroom break", or a "wake me up walk" to my locker, as long as I had a hall pass, I knew I wouldn't be in trouble for being caught in the hallway while class was in session. Now, hall passes have taken on a completely different meaning..

Rick and Fred, two husbands who are having difficulty in their marriages, are given a Hall Pass by their wives: for one week, they can do whatever they want. This is the plot summary of Hall Pass (2011) a romantic comedy that made light of a concept from the 1960's- 80's that introduced a brand new meaning to the elementary term, hall pass.

 Today's relationship culture seems to lean towards the latter as a solution to infidelity in their relationships; you can even find an updated definition of the term on Urban Dictionary that ranges from a theoretical pass or permission slip, granted by one's spouse, boyfriend, or girlfriend to go out socially with friends (but did NOT imply any romantic or sexual encounters), to a week off from marriage to do whatever you want without consequences. Maybe it's just me, but this new "hall pass" concept just isn't sitting right with me.

First, Toya Wright appeared on Untying The Knot,  Bravo’s new reality show that attempts to help troubled couples "divorce with dignity", and shared with divorce lawyer Vikki Ziegler that she gave her husband Mickey Wright (AKA Memphitz) a hall pass to cheat.

“She gives me eight days a year to do what I want, no questions asked,” Memphitz said. 

THEN, Mo’Nique tells True Exclusives that the idea of cheating being a deal-breaker in relationships is a Western idea that comes from a culture of ownership and defends the hall pass concept.

“We’ve been taught to have ownership, and that’s the Western way to do it. I’m not sure where you originate from, but I originate from this place called Africa and what I know about African kings—tell me one of them who just had one wife. Do you know any of them? I don’t. That’s where I originate from. So when we came here, we adopted other people’s ways, and that’s called ownership. There was a time when I was owned before. I don’t want to be owned anymore.

I'm not buying it. I understand that the lines of communications between husbands and wives must remain open and honest, and I understand that women are trying to take the allure out of cheating by making it less of a forbidden act, but doesn't allowing your mate a "no questions asked hall pass" to step outside of your union seem to defeat God's purpose of marriage? How can  two become one...[Ephesians 5:31 NIV] if your spouse has the opportunity to include a third party?

Today's relationship culture is genius at coming up with ways to profess commitment without actually committing to anything. "The secret to a long lasting marriage" evolves more and more and as time goes on, makes it seem almost outlandish to abide by any standard of marriage that requires accountability. Instead of coming up with new methods to keep your mate from cheating, why not strengthen the bond you have with your mate through honesty and prayer; praying (as a couple and individually) that God guards your hearts and desires and keeps your  marriage new and vibrant.

I say a special prayer for married couples that their love and desire for each other remain strong. As a single woman, I've become accustomed to the fluidity of my singleness. I can only imagine the prayer, diligence and self sacrifice it takes to commit to another person, especially for a lifetime.The words of Proverbs 5:18-19 stay in my heart for couples struggling to fight their desire to step out of their relationships.

18. May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. 19. A loving doe, a graceful deer-- may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love.