Why Today's Generation Dumped Traditional Dating

By: Drusilla Ollennu

IG: @toldbydrudoll

Twitter: @toldbydrudoll

 toldbydrudoll.com 

Remember what old school dating used to be like?  When people would go on several dates; and they took their time to get to know someone before taking the next step? Remember when men would pick women up in their cars for a date; and if they didn't have a car, they took public transportation and met the women in front of their homes? That was back in the day, or at least it feels like it. These actions are not entirely extinct, but back in the day, it was a societal norm to take it slow with dating. Now? Not so much.

Before I move forward with this article, I'm going to say that I accept the fact that everyone has different desires, standards, and expectations. I cannot speak for anyone but myself, and what I write is from personal experience. In my adult life, most of the men I've dated no longer exercise these "back in the day" dating traditions. It might take only one or two dates before a guy tries to get frisky.  Sometimes, there won't even need to be a date; there are some guys that just go in for the kill (aka attempting to have sex) during the first encounter. At some point I've started to wonder why this is becoming the new norm. My generation is taking less time to know one another, creating and ending relationships at a rapid rate, and I can't help but wonder, why? Why are we moving so much more quickly with each other without building a strong foundation? I'm not only talking about sex, I'm also referring to taking the next step with living arrangements and marriage. Once again, I'm not judging anyone for his or her decisions, do you boo boo! I'm just curious as to what triggered the shift in relationship dynamics over the years.

One of the reasons I believe dating and relationships have changed so much: technology. Just hear me out. Of course, other factors play a role, such as familial dynamics, issues with trust and commitment, past relationships that have failed, and many others, but what I have come to realize is that today's generation in particular feeds off of instant gratification. Thanks to technology, we're used to a fast pace. If you think about it, everything happens instantly: fast food, next day mail delivery, day to day communication (text messaging and emails), quick access to movies (Netflix), transportation (Uber, Lift), and the list goes on! You don't have to even make an effort to try to find someone to date because there's Tinder, Match.com...no shade to those platforms, but I'm just highlighting the immediate accessibility that comes with technology. We can pretty much get access to anything we want, at any time, and very quickly. In a world where we live this instant lifestyle, why wouldn't that also translate into our dating lives? Today's tech generation lacks patience because we are accustomed to convenience and immediate results in almost everything, and that mindset doesn't necessarily switch off when we hit the dating scene. 

With the way that our world has evolved, the speed of traditional dating is no longer appealing to many. But I can't help but wonder: did traditional dating produce more effective relationships than those of today? From my own experience, it is becoming more and more rare to come across individuals who are involved in long-term relationships. Today, we're all about the "cuffing season" (aka the time for 'seasonal relationships'), "Netflix and chill," "side chick," "this is just bae" culture; all of which sound like very temporary relationships. My parents took years to get to know each other and they have been together for thirty eight years now. I'm not sharing this to boast or make anyone feel bad, but I believe that there is something worth cherishing in traditional dating. Maybe being raised by traditional parents and witnessing the shift in how people interact with each other today makes me want to explore why we have dumped our old ways. I don't know all the answers; but whatever the case may be, what I do know is that technology plays a bigger part in our love lives more than we realize. Would you agree? 

Should you know a person’s past when pursing them?

By: Telicia Barksdale 

Question: Have you ever cheated on someone?

Answer: I’ve cheated in every relationship I’ve been in.

*****JUDGEMENT PROCESSING*****PLEASE WAIT***** JUDGEMENT PROCESSING*

Judgment:

“They’re serial cheater. They have cheated on every partner they have ever been with, and they’re probably going to cheat on me.”

Problem:

You’ve made a decision of who they are presently, based on what they did in the past.

______________________________________________________

“The only thing constant in life is change”

For all you know the only relationships that man may have had were during his adolescent years, and I can tell you the person that I am today is not the same person I was when I was 18. My mindset, my actions, my personality have changed.

We go through life we grow and learn from our experiences.

Don’t judge me for things I have done with an underdeveloped mind, body or spirit.

But with that said,

I see no harm in asking questions about the past.

Not focusing so much on what they did, but focusing more on their PRESENT thoughts about their PAST.

So for example:

Question: Have you ever been in a monogamous relationship with anyone?

Male A: “No, I used to mess with a bunch of females back in the day, I lived that life and loved it. Ahh those were the days, if only I could go back.”

Male B: “No, I used to date a lot of different females back in the day, I lived that life for a while but eventually it got old. “

Both of these males did the same thing in the past; however based on their responses, Male B sounds more likely to be successful in a monogamous relationship than Male A. So there’s nothing wrong with taking that response, noting it, and moving along.

The responses to questions about their past helps you identify things like:

Whether or not they are capable of growth?

Do they know right from wrong?

What type of morals they may have?

What do they value?

What they’re looking for?

Etc.

So by simply making conversation and sharing stories you’re getting to know each other. You’re getting to know each other without bluntly asking questions back to back, and making the date cold and awkward.

SO to sum it up, judge the response to the action and not the action…. Just kidding…well kind of J

Jerel’s 7 tips for “BETTER” Dating

By Jerel Duren

 

I am not dating expert. I am a far cry from “Hitch” or the “Love Guru” …believe me. I’m a single, 24 year old man who is still trying to figure it all out. However, I can say that after personal experiences and countless discussions with friends and family of various age groups and marital statuses, there are 7 tips that I’d like to offer to those of you who are still navigating this mysterious maze we call dating!

1.     Be honest about what you want

It sounds simple… and it is! Be honest, people! The truth will always surface- whether it’s in word or in deed. A lot of times we become deceptive with the people we’re interested in due to a fear of rejection or to cover up our true motives, amongst other things. No matter the reason, dishonesty will always cause hardships.

If you’re dating a person and you’re looking for a relationship, communicate that. Once you’ve been open and honest about that, the ball is in the other person’s court. So once you’re ready to take the next step past dating it won’t be a surprise! And vice versa, if you’re not looking for a relationship, let them know that upfront so should it become an issue down the line, a precedent has already been set.

Be Honest.

2.     Take your time

In today’s dating climate the whole “We don’t love ‘em,” “[They] ain’t loyal” façade is very prevalent. That’s all it is though, a façade. Too many of us are jumping in and out of relationships. I think we all have one or two people on Instagram or Facebook that has a new Bae, Boo, #WCW, #MCM, #LoveOfMyLife, #TogetherForever person on our timeline. SLOW DOWN. The saying goes “Good things come to those who wait.” It’s perfectly fine to seek out a significant other but take some time to get to know people. Actually go through a real dating phase before you decide to hop in a relationship with someone. By slowing up the pace, you’ll save yourself a lot of heartbreak and wasted energy.

3.     Have fun!

This one goes hand and hand with “Take your time.” The next time you’re about to go on a date, stop, look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself, “RELAX.” Especially if you really like the person. Take things one day at a time. Set your mental checklist aside and enjoy yourself. Don’t be afraid to switch it up by talking to someone who doesn’t quite fit your normal steelo. (Yes, I said steelo.) Don’t put so much pressure on yourself. Time is not refundable so why not make it enjoyable?

4.     Let actions determine how far the dating will go

If you’ve gone out with a person a few time and you feel like you two aren’t on the same page, there’s nothing wrong with keep things at the friendship level. If things are problematic in the early stages, don’t force it. Trust yourself. After a few times around the block I’m sure we can all recognize certain warning signs. DON’T IGNORE THE RED FLAGS.

5.     Life’s not a fairy tale

Ok, now I know I just said DON’T IGNORE THE WARNING SIGNS and I meant it. Yet, every person and situation is different. We all have things in our head that we want out of a potential mate- a checklist. Whether it’s nice hair, nice teeth, a good job, good looks… we all have our thing(s). That’s fine but you have to realize that you are not perfect yourself; you might not check off every box for your own #Bae. The woman might have children but she also might have her act together. That man might not have the best job but does he have the right work ethic? I’m not telling you to settle or lower your standards but give people a chance sometimes.

6.     Maintain a personal identity

Big Sean has a song called “When Some, Lose Some.” At the end of the song there is a clip of his father dropping some knowledge during a conversation. One of the things he said really stuck out to me. He said “Life is a feeling process.” Humans aren’t meant to be stagnant. We are meant to grow. We are meant to evolve. Just remember to maintain a sense of who you are at the core- no matter where you are in your process. Don’t be consumed so much in another person that you are willing to change everything about yourself to get or keep their attention.

7.     On to the next…

Chances are, the next person you date or go out with won’t be your husband or wife. That’s ok! Glean from them. Absorb what they have to teach you and carry on. One of my mentors always tells me “Jerel, you’ll keep going through the same things until you learn the lesson.” It’s true. Time and time again, you can date the same type of person or go through the same things over and over with the same person until you learn the lesson. Once you finally get it, move on. There really are many fish in the sea!

…Gone and try you some more fish! J

Happy Dating.

Jerel's new single BETTER will be available for streaming and download June 2nd, 2015!

 IG: @JerelDuren