SELF SERVED

By: Ayana Bryant-Weekes

I used to write in a diary. Everyday. What ever happened between waking up and falling asleep, I wrote it down before my head hit the pillow. Sometimes, my best friend and I would swap diaries at school and read what the other had written the day before and then talk to each other about what we’d just read. We laugh about our adolescent ritual now but I think we both liked doing that; it was easier to write down what we were feeling than to say with our own mouths, the secrets we were even afraid to keep.

Anyway, that was 7^th grade, ‘05 and we’d gotten into that habit for 2 years. At the end of 8^th grade, A LOT of things happened that subsequently ended my daily word dump. Breaking up with my first “real” boyfriend that my best friend didn’t like anyway, my separation from her at the hands of a dawning high school career AND simultaneously experiencing having my diary read by someone other than the only person who even knew I kept a diary.

I.Shut.Down.

My feelings were confused and my writing no longer felt safe. So I stopped and everything that would’ve held a page in my diary now stood in a long mental line of “I should write that down”. Welcome 2007 and Tumblr hits the scene. I quietly made an account requesting no follows and not following anyone and I would only post when my writer’s itch became unbearable. It was my new diary. Well the other day I was scrolling through my old posts and found “Self Address”, a letter I had written to myself in 2011 still relevant in 2014, as evident in “Sivlerspoonefed: The lesser evil” a post written at the beginning of this year.

Apparently, this new habit of keeping things in (though greatly improved) is still prevalent and in my attempts to be more transparent I have decided to share these posts with you guys releasing my desired change into the universe. 

James 5:16 says Make this your common practice: Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you can live together whole and healed … (MSG)

Now keep in mind that I am an artist…and I’m sensitive about my…

 

Self Address

Oct. 26, 2011

So…..if your any part human you have, at some point in your life, gone thru something that you felt no one in this planet was going thru at the moment. And the LAST thing you want to hear in the climax of your loneliness and in the midst of bawling your eyes out is tht “things could b worse.” That statement makes you seem shallow and implies tht you Dnt have the right to b upset abt watevr it is driving you to tears. That you Dnt have the right to naturally respond to a painful situation. So to avoid judgmental statements from “friends” or appearing weak by expressing your feelings you keep them in….and hope tht God can hear your heart & see your prayers in their purest form before your words get a chance to mess them up. you don’t even want to say wat you’re feeling out loud. & How can you be a true friend to ppl you Dnt evn trust to b true friends to you.? Knowing you would go above and beyond for ppl who only rock with you wen its convenient. Trust me its more factors tht affect self esteem than guys cheating on you. When ppl’s actions leave you wondering why they won’t be the same kind of friend to you tht you are to them you rarely ever get the answer. You try to figure this all out on your own, logically analyzing everything you’ve observed. but your only conclusion brings more questions for some one who seems farther away than the distance btwn Earth and the heaven we search for, and always seems to answer metaphorically wen you want straight up answers. All you really want is somebody to understand….maybe give advice…..but to mainly understand you and the place your emotion came from. And if you scroll thru your phone one more time looking for somebody to txt, you will have successfully memorized all your contacts in alphabetical order……backwards. Finding no one who will purely understand and not judge, you go back to feeling lonely yet brave for facing your loneliness alone. Maybe someone will notice how fake your smile is tomorrow or maybe they won’t. But it won’t matter because you have convinced yourself tht you are emotionally strong therefore you don’t need anyone to notice. And will never ask anyone to.

And tht is, by far, the stupidest thing you have ever done.

Sivlerspoonefed: The lesser evil

Jan. 17, 2014

"There’s always somebody worse off than You"

So be grateful they say 

But it seems like there’s always somebody worse off than You..

Somebody with too much on their plate to 

check and see if Your head is above water. 

so my silver spoon and I, we are well acquainted

My successful, church-going mother is still married to my sober, ever-present father whom I share with my only 16 year old baby brother. And the 4 of us, along with our cute little black Pomeranian, live together in a 5 bedroom mini mansion with 3 Christmas trees….THREE. and the Detroit River in our backyard. Parked in our two, 2-car garages is a jaguar, a 2013 Honda Accord and my sweet 16th birthday present. 3/4 of my household has 2+ college degrees. Bank.Abuse and alcoholism are strangers in my home. Dysfunction and poverty don’t frequent this abode. But I still can’t sleep at night.

Not boastful or braggadocios

I really believe I am

Blessed.

And by perception I need nothing.

How dare You.

Want for anything else

When they want everything You have…they perceive

You have everything You need so

they never think

to ask ”is there anything You need?”

So my silver spoon and I, we are well acquainted. 

He reflects my selfish

demons, my weak core, and my blessings that bare my curse.

Lonely 

because no one thinks you [should] need, and they always need

You. 

I’d rather eat with my hands.