Check Yourself

By: Ayana Bryant-Weekes

 

One thing that bothers me is when someone asks for my opinion, then gets upset with what I’ve said. I instantly get irritated and frustrated with the person for creating a problem with something they involved me in. I’ve been an opinionated and outspoken person all my life and I learned the hard way that my opinion is a private possession and most effective when solicited or asked for.  I made sure I wasn’t pushy with my opinions and criticisms but I didn’t considered whether or not my criticism was constructive. I felt like what I had to say made more sense to me and was therefore correct and better for everyone.

Thinking back on certain situations where my frustration with someone not receiving my criticism led to an argument or huge fallout, I have a much better understanding of the saying, “It’s not what you say but how you say it.” I rarely considered the natural difficulty that comes with receiving criticism in the first place. Consequently, that put the other person on immediate defense.  

As we all know, criticism can be useful. Accepting suggestions from others is how we all learn to appreciate one another’s gifts and talents. However, we also need to know how to give constructive criticism. Whether we realize it or not, giving constructive criticism is a skill. Part of sharpening that skill is sincerity. This isn’t the normal “BS sandwich” that people learn about in corporate leadership courses and seminars.

                        BS Sandwich – sandwiching criticism between two positive statements. Lacks sincerity and can be detected a mile away.

Genuine constructive criticism isn’t about being right. It may seem weird but criticism is selfless. Constructive criticism doesn’t ask to be proven right or gain anything. It just wants to see someone be better at what they do.  Genuine criticism is not an attack on another person. Even if we offer critique to a friend directly about them, we should never judge or throw blame on them. No one stays interested in having a conversation where they are being attacked. That is why it helps to compliment the person on what you notice was good. Criticism that feels like an attack only focuses on “wrong”. Before we offer criticism, we should use it as a chance to encourage each other.

In Jeremiah 31:3 Christ reminds us that we were drawn to Him with loving kindness. It’s important that we keep that same attribute when dealing with our brothers and sisters in Christ.  Truth be told, being corrected can be a humbling experience and it can hurt. Knowing that, we have to remember when offering corrective criticism, you’re dealing with a person who can feel the same hurt when being corrected by you. It’s almost like a self-check system:

1.     Do I just want to be right?

2.     Am I attacking this person?

3.     What did they do well in the situation?

When you make sure you present a loving posture, anything you say, in love, can be easily received.













-Ayana