Why Today's Generation Dumped Traditional Dating

By: Drusilla Ollennu

IG: @toldbydrudoll

Twitter: @toldbydrudoll

 toldbydrudoll.com 

Remember what old school dating used to be like?  When people would go on several dates; and they took their time to get to know someone before taking the next step? Remember when men would pick women up in their cars for a date; and if they didn't have a car, they took public transportation and met the women in front of their homes? That was back in the day, or at least it feels like it. These actions are not entirely extinct, but back in the day, it was a societal norm to take it slow with dating. Now? Not so much.

Before I move forward with this article, I'm going to say that I accept the fact that everyone has different desires, standards, and expectations. I cannot speak for anyone but myself, and what I write is from personal experience. In my adult life, most of the men I've dated no longer exercise these "back in the day" dating traditions. It might take only one or two dates before a guy tries to get frisky.  Sometimes, there won't even need to be a date; there are some guys that just go in for the kill (aka attempting to have sex) during the first encounter. At some point I've started to wonder why this is becoming the new norm. My generation is taking less time to know one another, creating and ending relationships at a rapid rate, and I can't help but wonder, why? Why are we moving so much more quickly with each other without building a strong foundation? I'm not only talking about sex, I'm also referring to taking the next step with living arrangements and marriage. Once again, I'm not judging anyone for his or her decisions, do you boo boo! I'm just curious as to what triggered the shift in relationship dynamics over the years.

One of the reasons I believe dating and relationships have changed so much: technology. Just hear me out. Of course, other factors play a role, such as familial dynamics, issues with trust and commitment, past relationships that have failed, and many others, but what I have come to realize is that today's generation in particular feeds off of instant gratification. Thanks to technology, we're used to a fast pace. If you think about it, everything happens instantly: fast food, next day mail delivery, day to day communication (text messaging and emails), quick access to movies (Netflix), transportation (Uber, Lift), and the list goes on! You don't have to even make an effort to try to find someone to date because there's Tinder, Match.com...no shade to those platforms, but I'm just highlighting the immediate accessibility that comes with technology. We can pretty much get access to anything we want, at any time, and very quickly. In a world where we live this instant lifestyle, why wouldn't that also translate into our dating lives? Today's tech generation lacks patience because we are accustomed to convenience and immediate results in almost everything, and that mindset doesn't necessarily switch off when we hit the dating scene. 

With the way that our world has evolved, the speed of traditional dating is no longer appealing to many. But I can't help but wonder: did traditional dating produce more effective relationships than those of today? From my own experience, it is becoming more and more rare to come across individuals who are involved in long-term relationships. Today, we're all about the "cuffing season" (aka the time for 'seasonal relationships'), "Netflix and chill," "side chick," "this is just bae" culture; all of which sound like very temporary relationships. My parents took years to get to know each other and they have been together for thirty eight years now. I'm not sharing this to boast or make anyone feel bad, but I believe that there is something worth cherishing in traditional dating. Maybe being raised by traditional parents and witnessing the shift in how people interact with each other today makes me want to explore why we have dumped our old ways. I don't know all the answers; but whatever the case may be, what I do know is that technology plays a bigger part in our love lives more than we realize. Would you agree? 

Should you know a person’s past when pursing them?

By: Telicia Barksdale 

Question: Have you ever cheated on someone?

Answer: I’ve cheated in every relationship I’ve been in.

*****JUDGEMENT PROCESSING*****PLEASE WAIT***** JUDGEMENT PROCESSING*

Judgment:

“They’re serial cheater. They have cheated on every partner they have ever been with, and they’re probably going to cheat on me.”

Problem:

You’ve made a decision of who they are presently, based on what they did in the past.

______________________________________________________

“The only thing constant in life is change”

For all you know the only relationships that man may have had were during his adolescent years, and I can tell you the person that I am today is not the same person I was when I was 18. My mindset, my actions, my personality have changed.

We go through life we grow and learn from our experiences.

Don’t judge me for things I have done with an underdeveloped mind, body or spirit.

But with that said,

I see no harm in asking questions about the past.

Not focusing so much on what they did, but focusing more on their PRESENT thoughts about their PAST.

So for example:

Question: Have you ever been in a monogamous relationship with anyone?

Male A: “No, I used to mess with a bunch of females back in the day, I lived that life and loved it. Ahh those were the days, if only I could go back.”

Male B: “No, I used to date a lot of different females back in the day, I lived that life for a while but eventually it got old. “

Both of these males did the same thing in the past; however based on their responses, Male B sounds more likely to be successful in a monogamous relationship than Male A. So there’s nothing wrong with taking that response, noting it, and moving along.

The responses to questions about their past helps you identify things like:

Whether or not they are capable of growth?

Do they know right from wrong?

What type of morals they may have?

What do they value?

What they’re looking for?

Etc.

So by simply making conversation and sharing stories you’re getting to know each other. You’re getting to know each other without bluntly asking questions back to back, and making the date cold and awkward.

SO to sum it up, judge the response to the action and not the action…. Just kidding…well kind of J

Untying The Knot: Hall Passes and Today's Relationship Culture

 By: Ayana Bryant-Weekes

I remember Hall Passes. In middle school, they were written proof that I had permission to get out of class and roam the hallway. Whether I was taking a "bored with class bathroom break", or a "wake me up walk" to my locker, as long as I had a hall pass, I knew I wouldn't be in trouble for being caught in the hallway while class was in session. Now, hall passes have taken on a completely different meaning..

Rick and Fred, two husbands who are having difficulty in their marriages, are given a Hall Pass by their wives: for one week, they can do whatever they want. This is the plot summary of Hall Pass (2011) a romantic comedy that made light of a concept from the 1960's- 80's that introduced a brand new meaning to the elementary term, hall pass.

 Today's relationship culture seems to lean towards the latter as a solution to infidelity in their relationships; you can even find an updated definition of the term on Urban Dictionary that ranges from a theoretical pass or permission slip, granted by one's spouse, boyfriend, or girlfriend to go out socially with friends (but did NOT imply any romantic or sexual encounters), to a week off from marriage to do whatever you want without consequences. Maybe it's just me, but this new "hall pass" concept just isn't sitting right with me.

First, Toya Wright appeared on Untying The Knot,  Bravo’s new reality show that attempts to help troubled couples "divorce with dignity", and shared with divorce lawyer Vikki Ziegler that she gave her husband Mickey Wright (AKA Memphitz) a hall pass to cheat.

“She gives me eight days a year to do what I want, no questions asked,” Memphitz said. 

THEN, Mo’Nique tells True Exclusives that the idea of cheating being a deal-breaker in relationships is a Western idea that comes from a culture of ownership and defends the hall pass concept.

“We’ve been taught to have ownership, and that’s the Western way to do it. I’m not sure where you originate from, but I originate from this place called Africa and what I know about African kings—tell me one of them who just had one wife. Do you know any of them? I don’t. That’s where I originate from. So when we came here, we adopted other people’s ways, and that’s called ownership. There was a time when I was owned before. I don’t want to be owned anymore.

I'm not buying it. I understand that the lines of communications between husbands and wives must remain open and honest, and I understand that women are trying to take the allure out of cheating by making it less of a forbidden act, but doesn't allowing your mate a "no questions asked hall pass" to step outside of your union seem to defeat God's purpose of marriage? How can  two become one...[Ephesians 5:31 NIV] if your spouse has the opportunity to include a third party?

Today's relationship culture is genius at coming up with ways to profess commitment without actually committing to anything. "The secret to a long lasting marriage" evolves more and more and as time goes on, makes it seem almost outlandish to abide by any standard of marriage that requires accountability. Instead of coming up with new methods to keep your mate from cheating, why not strengthen the bond you have with your mate through honesty and prayer; praying (as a couple and individually) that God guards your hearts and desires and keeps your  marriage new and vibrant.

I say a special prayer for married couples that their love and desire for each other remain strong. As a single woman, I've become accustomed to the fluidity of my singleness. I can only imagine the prayer, diligence and self sacrifice it takes to commit to another person, especially for a lifetime.The words of Proverbs 5:18-19 stay in my heart for couples struggling to fight their desire to step out of their relationships.

18. May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. 19. A loving doe, a graceful deer-- may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love. 

 

Heart Problems

 by Victoria Armstead

“Lord, what’s wrong with me? Where’s this coming from? What happened? Why me? How do I shake this feeling? “ 

Have you ever felt like there was something, beyond your intellect, standing in the way of you loving God with your WHOLE heart? Do you find yourself constantly “feeling some type of way”?  Are you unexplainably angry and bitter? Yea? Well sir/ma’am you have a CURABLE case of heart problems!

No, not those kind silly! I’m not prophesying a heart attack, stroke, or anything of that nature over your life. These heart problems, however, can cost you your life, if you’re not careful. These heart problems break down your spirit man and hold up your destiny. They give you a harsh disposition and strain your ability to love. Now, usually you’d have to make an appointment to talk to a doctor about your condition, but in this case, your answer is just one “Father in the name of Jesus” away. 

Typically, when you have an unusual ache or pain in your body, you want to know where it’s coming from so, you research your symptoms and causes of your affliction. After you get an idea of what the problem might me, you go to the doctor to gain more knowledge about what’s happening to you and to understand the seriousness of the situation, how it can be treated, and how it’ll impact your future. The doctor runs tests, gives you a diagnosis, explains preventative measures, and prescribes you medicine to cure your ailment. Now, you just have to do your part to get rid of it!

Well, as believers, we have to apply the same tenacity towards being better followers of Jesus Christ and that can’t be done if we carry around these heart problems. Some of us have experienced things that left us with hardened hearts. I know, for me, relationship blues and work drama alone took to me to that “forget everything and everyone” point. Some of you may have experienced abandonment, abuse (emotional/physical/verbal/sexual), rejection, church hurt, and many other unfortunate circumstances. Whatever it is, the burden of it ends after you read this blog in Jesus name!

I guess your next question is, “How do these things lead to heart problems?” See, the thing with heart problems is that you may never know of their existence until something triggers them. If you can, imagine an overly-filled garbage bag. You’re too lazy to take it out, so you just keep pilling stuff in and one day it just pops! It stinks up the whole place, you’re furious and there’s garbage everywhere! Imagine your heart as that garbage bag and your life as the place that gets the funky odor.  Not pretty, right? These problems creep by us for so long until something big happens and nearly destroys us. This is why the bible tells us to guard our hearts, for it determines the course of our lives (Proverbs 4:23). We’ve become a generation who deals with our problems by “sweeping them under the rug” and developing an “it is what it is “mentality. We only play ourselves by allowing something that Jesus took to the cross to eat away at us. We have to become masters at casting our cares on the Lord because he cares for us (1 Peter 5:7). If not those heart problems will continue to develop so, take out the garbage!

Here are some steps towards recovery:

1.    Pray! Ask God to reveal what’s going on with you (Jeremiah 33:3)

2.    Confess it all (1 John 1:19; Romans 10:10)

3.    Ask for forgiveness and you MUST forgive others (Matthew 6:14-15; Acts 3:19)

4.    Search His Word for answers, not people. (Proverbs 30:5)

5.    Ask God to cleanse your heart (Psalm 51:10; Ezekiel 36:26)

6.    Guard your heart …be careful what goes in and comes out of it. (Proverbs 4:23)

7.    LOVE (1 Peter 4:8; 1 John 4:7-8; Matthew 22:37-39)

Remember, you’ve been healed since the beginning of time! Bitterness and anger have no power or dominion over you! Bye, bye heart problems. We’re FREE!!!!!!! You’ve been cured and the curse is broken!!!

Dying to Fall In Love

By: Ayana Bryant-Weekes

Falling in love is an amazing feeling; thinking about a certain someone and smiling uncontrollably, the flutter of butterfly wings in your stomach when you see that person, the way the stress of life just seems to fade into the background when you hear their voice…. whether we want to admit it or not, the adrenaline rush that consumes us as we fall deeper in love, is something that we all daydream about in a lonely hour. As a single woman I find my thoughts sometimes drifting off, wondering where I’ll be when my next love story begins or what my next Beau is doing at this very moment and I can’t help but daydream about how our relationship dynamic will be, but most of all, I get excited about the thrill of falling in love again.  

A lot of us are longing to fall in love, to be swept off our feet and experience the feeling of being head-over-hills in love with the man or woman of our dreams but how far are we really willing to go to find that love? Are we willing to die for it? If I’m honest with myself, I really haven’t gone far enough; I haven’t gone to far enough lengths for the magnitude of love that I’m searching for and while I’m being honest, there’s only one way to find it.

            In today’s society it’s easy to feel loveless and paranoid. The feeling of “no one loves me” crept into my spirit. I was yearning to fall in love with something whether it was myself, my career, my family and friends, or my man (wherever he may be lol), but I was so jaded, I felt like no one deserved my love in return. With so much love to give, being stingy with it was doing more harm to me then good. God began to deal with me and show me that my idea of love was so wrong. At this present time, I am unlearning everything I thought I knew about love and working towards Christ’s definition of love, which requires me to fall in love with Him all over again: God is love. When we take up permanent residence in a life of love, we live in God and God lives in us. 1 John 4:17 [MSG] At times it feels like I’m dying…and I am: Among those who belong to Christ, everything connected with getting our own way and mindlessly responding to what everyone else calls necessities is killed off for good—crucified. Galatians 5:24  [MSG]

            So I’m dying to fall in love with my Savior all over again and by faith, I know I’ll find a love like no other.

Let's Try Jesus Way

By:Ayana Bryant-Weekes 

Our Society doesn't believe in relationships any more, especially celebrity relationships. We’ve all witnessed the “celebrity courtship cycle”, as I like to call it, which usually spans from 4 -9 months at a time.

Stage One: Begin a public relationship with a celebrity

Stage Two: Become everyone’s “relationship goal”

Stage Three: Make a baby (in most cases)

Stage Four: Get engaged

Stage Five: Break up before the baby comes

Stage Six: Date another celebrity 

When I first saw the pictures of R&B singer Ciara on the arm of Seattle Seahawks quarter back Russell Wilson at President Obama’s Japanese State Dinner at the White House in April of this year, I thought, Man, these people move QUICK! To be honest, this cycle is so tiring to watch. I’ll admit, I LOVED Ciara and Future together, I loved how they seemed to be on the come up together and I couldn’t ignore how fly they were together. So, when it was confirmed that Ciara was preparing to give birth to Future’s fourth child, an unsettling feeling detached me from the celebrity couple and I could sense a breakup in the near future (no pun intended), and then in August 2014 they broke up...

I did not feel like hearing about another celebrity couple that broke up and would be left with another broken family, I didn’t want to feel like Beyoncé and Jay-Z were the only ones who could be married and stay married. I couldn't help but feel like society was being proven right, but I also knew as that these couples were omitting a fundamental element from their relationships.

I swept the idea of Ciara and Russell into the back of my mind until I came across an article on Fox Sports. The Seattle Seahawks Quarter Back was talking openly talking about his relationship with Ciara in an interview with The Rock Church over the weekend where he shared how God told him he needed to lead Ciara into a relationship, taking all the “extra stuff” off of the table and doing things Jesus’ way—and yes, we’re talking about abstaining from sex. 

“For me, I knew that God had brought me into her life to bless her and for her to bless me and to bless so many people with the impact that she has, that I have. We're not gonna be perfect, by any means. Life's not perfect. Nobody's perfect, but he's anointed both of us, and I know that he's calling for us to do something miraculous, something special…'Could we love each other without that (sex)?' If you can really love somebody without that, then you can really love somebody."

 

 This interview inspired me in the same way that Megan Good and Devon Franklin’s testimony did because here we have a very public example of two figures of pop culture, affirming that Christ’s standard for courtship (and potentially marriage) will guide them on their walks together.  As a Christian, it is very important to have Godly role models; people to show us that you can live to a Godly standard, even in celebrity, no matter what background/industry you come from or are interested in. I was also inspired by God’s example of what a man leading a woman into a relationship looks like using these two people who we don’t normally see as spiritual models. Wilson was first, led by God and he listened. He surrendered to the idea that his union with Ciara would allow their influence to be impactful to society, as God would have it.  

Now, of course there is still the chance that Ciara and Russell Wilson could break up, we’re dealing with two human beings, celebrities at that and just because they are celibate does not guarantee they will end up married, however, what we do know is that God’s will is being done, at the end of the day, if they don’t move towards marriage, they wont add to the number of broken homes in our society, and whatever is to follow will benefit the two of them as well as all those impacted by their story.

            It warms my heart and encourages my spirit, even as I sometimes miss the mark, to hear testimonies of people who are putting God to the test and are determined to walk by faith in a world where the social norm says that nothing about "Jesus’ way" makes sense. I wish Ciara and Russell nothing but the best in their relationship and I pray they succeed in their pursuit of a God-inspired courtship and that their testimony inspires many generations to come.  

Fathers, Kiss Your Sons: The Importance of Masculine Affection

One of the most beautiful things in the world is to witness the love and affection of a father for their child. Interestingly enough, this relationship is often represented by a father hugging and kissing their daughter while the relationship of a father and his son is represented by a mini pair of Jordans or a kid-sized basketball rim while a proud father looks on. There is nothing wrong with these representations however, I've noticed that these images are littered with expectation and too often discredit the element of affection between father and son. 

I came across this image on Tumblr and it really resonated with me. 

Sensitivity is where affection comes from but unfortunately, today's society parallels sensitivity to weakness or reserves that trait for homosexual men. Sensitivity can even be a turn off to some women who think that a "Manly Man" isn't sensitive or affectionate. 

I believe that raising a man without the element of affection throws off an entire family dynamic. Imagine a man as the head of a household who was raised to believe that sensitivity was equal to weakness or a man who doesn't  know how to be affectionate because he was never shown affection. These men grow up to be husbands and fathers who have to learn how to be affectionate as they go. The problem with this is that when a woman starts looking for the man who will take her from her father as a bride, affection will be something she looks for in the relationship. When the time comes for a man to become a father he will perpetuate that lack of affection to his children. 

Fathers, kiss your sons. Teach them the value of the words 'I Love You' and show them the example of love as a verb in a masculine way. As important as it is for young girls to see affection from their fathers, it is equally important that young boys see the same. The sensitivity of a man is not expressed the same way as that of a woman and that is the example young men need to see. 

Jerel’s 7 tips for “BETTER” Dating

By Jerel Duren

 

I am not dating expert. I am a far cry from “Hitch” or the “Love Guru” …believe me. I’m a single, 24 year old man who is still trying to figure it all out. However, I can say that after personal experiences and countless discussions with friends and family of various age groups and marital statuses, there are 7 tips that I’d like to offer to those of you who are still navigating this mysterious maze we call dating!

1.     Be honest about what you want

It sounds simple… and it is! Be honest, people! The truth will always surface- whether it’s in word or in deed. A lot of times we become deceptive with the people we’re interested in due to a fear of rejection or to cover up our true motives, amongst other things. No matter the reason, dishonesty will always cause hardships.

If you’re dating a person and you’re looking for a relationship, communicate that. Once you’ve been open and honest about that, the ball is in the other person’s court. So once you’re ready to take the next step past dating it won’t be a surprise! And vice versa, if you’re not looking for a relationship, let them know that upfront so should it become an issue down the line, a precedent has already been set.

Be Honest.

2.     Take your time

In today’s dating climate the whole “We don’t love ‘em,” “[They] ain’t loyal” façade is very prevalent. That’s all it is though, a façade. Too many of us are jumping in and out of relationships. I think we all have one or two people on Instagram or Facebook that has a new Bae, Boo, #WCW, #MCM, #LoveOfMyLife, #TogetherForever person on our timeline. SLOW DOWN. The saying goes “Good things come to those who wait.” It’s perfectly fine to seek out a significant other but take some time to get to know people. Actually go through a real dating phase before you decide to hop in a relationship with someone. By slowing up the pace, you’ll save yourself a lot of heartbreak and wasted energy.

3.     Have fun!

This one goes hand and hand with “Take your time.” The next time you’re about to go on a date, stop, look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself, “RELAX.” Especially if you really like the person. Take things one day at a time. Set your mental checklist aside and enjoy yourself. Don’t be afraid to switch it up by talking to someone who doesn’t quite fit your normal steelo. (Yes, I said steelo.) Don’t put so much pressure on yourself. Time is not refundable so why not make it enjoyable?

4.     Let actions determine how far the dating will go

If you’ve gone out with a person a few time and you feel like you two aren’t on the same page, there’s nothing wrong with keep things at the friendship level. If things are problematic in the early stages, don’t force it. Trust yourself. After a few times around the block I’m sure we can all recognize certain warning signs. DON’T IGNORE THE RED FLAGS.

5.     Life’s not a fairy tale

Ok, now I know I just said DON’T IGNORE THE WARNING SIGNS and I meant it. Yet, every person and situation is different. We all have things in our head that we want out of a potential mate- a checklist. Whether it’s nice hair, nice teeth, a good job, good looks… we all have our thing(s). That’s fine but you have to realize that you are not perfect yourself; you might not check off every box for your own #Bae. The woman might have children but she also might have her act together. That man might not have the best job but does he have the right work ethic? I’m not telling you to settle or lower your standards but give people a chance sometimes.

6.     Maintain a personal identity

Big Sean has a song called “When Some, Lose Some.” At the end of the song there is a clip of his father dropping some knowledge during a conversation. One of the things he said really stuck out to me. He said “Life is a feeling process.” Humans aren’t meant to be stagnant. We are meant to grow. We are meant to evolve. Just remember to maintain a sense of who you are at the core- no matter where you are in your process. Don’t be consumed so much in another person that you are willing to change everything about yourself to get or keep their attention.

7.     On to the next…

Chances are, the next person you date or go out with won’t be your husband or wife. That’s ok! Glean from them. Absorb what they have to teach you and carry on. One of my mentors always tells me “Jerel, you’ll keep going through the same things until you learn the lesson.” It’s true. Time and time again, you can date the same type of person or go through the same things over and over with the same person until you learn the lesson. Once you finally get it, move on. There really are many fish in the sea!

…Gone and try you some more fish! J

Happy Dating.

Jerel's new single BETTER will be available for streaming and download June 2nd, 2015!

 IG: @JerelDuren