Jerel’s 7 tips for “BETTER” Dating

By Jerel Duren

 

I am not dating expert. I am a far cry from “Hitch” or the “Love Guru” …believe me. I’m a single, 24 year old man who is still trying to figure it all out. However, I can say that after personal experiences and countless discussions with friends and family of various age groups and marital statuses, there are 7 tips that I’d like to offer to those of you who are still navigating this mysterious maze we call dating!

1.     Be honest about what you want

It sounds simple… and it is! Be honest, people! The truth will always surface- whether it’s in word or in deed. A lot of times we become deceptive with the people we’re interested in due to a fear of rejection or to cover up our true motives, amongst other things. No matter the reason, dishonesty will always cause hardships.

If you’re dating a person and you’re looking for a relationship, communicate that. Once you’ve been open and honest about that, the ball is in the other person’s court. So once you’re ready to take the next step past dating it won’t be a surprise! And vice versa, if you’re not looking for a relationship, let them know that upfront so should it become an issue down the line, a precedent has already been set.

Be Honest.

2.     Take your time

In today’s dating climate the whole “We don’t love ‘em,” “[They] ain’t loyal” façade is very prevalent. That’s all it is though, a façade. Too many of us are jumping in and out of relationships. I think we all have one or two people on Instagram or Facebook that has a new Bae, Boo, #WCW, #MCM, #LoveOfMyLife, #TogetherForever person on our timeline. SLOW DOWN. The saying goes “Good things come to those who wait.” It’s perfectly fine to seek out a significant other but take some time to get to know people. Actually go through a real dating phase before you decide to hop in a relationship with someone. By slowing up the pace, you’ll save yourself a lot of heartbreak and wasted energy.

3.     Have fun!

This one goes hand and hand with “Take your time.” The next time you’re about to go on a date, stop, look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself, “RELAX.” Especially if you really like the person. Take things one day at a time. Set your mental checklist aside and enjoy yourself. Don’t be afraid to switch it up by talking to someone who doesn’t quite fit your normal steelo. (Yes, I said steelo.) Don’t put so much pressure on yourself. Time is not refundable so why not make it enjoyable?

4.     Let actions determine how far the dating will go

If you’ve gone out with a person a few time and you feel like you two aren’t on the same page, there’s nothing wrong with keep things at the friendship level. If things are problematic in the early stages, don’t force it. Trust yourself. After a few times around the block I’m sure we can all recognize certain warning signs. DON’T IGNORE THE RED FLAGS.

5.     Life’s not a fairy tale

Ok, now I know I just said DON’T IGNORE THE WARNING SIGNS and I meant it. Yet, every person and situation is different. We all have things in our head that we want out of a potential mate- a checklist. Whether it’s nice hair, nice teeth, a good job, good looks… we all have our thing(s). That’s fine but you have to realize that you are not perfect yourself; you might not check off every box for your own #Bae. The woman might have children but she also might have her act together. That man might not have the best job but does he have the right work ethic? I’m not telling you to settle or lower your standards but give people a chance sometimes.

6.     Maintain a personal identity

Big Sean has a song called “When Some, Lose Some.” At the end of the song there is a clip of his father dropping some knowledge during a conversation. One of the things he said really stuck out to me. He said “Life is a feeling process.” Humans aren’t meant to be stagnant. We are meant to grow. We are meant to evolve. Just remember to maintain a sense of who you are at the core- no matter where you are in your process. Don’t be consumed so much in another person that you are willing to change everything about yourself to get or keep their attention.

7.     On to the next…

Chances are, the next person you date or go out with won’t be your husband or wife. That’s ok! Glean from them. Absorb what they have to teach you and carry on. One of my mentors always tells me “Jerel, you’ll keep going through the same things until you learn the lesson.” It’s true. Time and time again, you can date the same type of person or go through the same things over and over with the same person until you learn the lesson. Once you finally get it, move on. There really are many fish in the sea!

…Gone and try you some more fish! J

Happy Dating.

Jerel's new single BETTER will be available for streaming and download June 2nd, 2015!

 IG: @JerelDuren

Say Goodbye to Mommy Guilt

Happy Memorial Day Everyone!!!

Over the weekend I took one day to hang with my girlfriends. Three of my college friends and myself drove to Grand Rapids for a Night of Neo Soul. While on the road I thought about how I almost declined this trip because of mommy guilt. I am so happy I didn't!! I kept talking myself out of the trip, then finally I told myself it's only one day and furthermore, I need it. As parents sometimes we have to take off our mommy hat and have some good ole fun. It is healthy for the soul and it allows you to step out of reality for a minute and become a regular person. Here's a couple ways to relax from mommy guilt:

1. Tell yourself you deserve a good time, and don't think twice about. If you haven't been out since your children were born, then relax its ok and I'm sure your children will be in one piece just for a day

2. Pack an extensive overnight bag, so you're not bothered by your babysitter if you forget something. This is the easiest way to make us feel bad as a parent. No one wants a call from the sitter because you forgot to pack a light jacket or an extra change of clothes, so make sure you over pack!!

3. FaceTime your children before your night begins, tell them you love them and you'll see them tomorrow. This always put my heart as ease and let's me know everything is just ok.

Mommy guilt is real!! As mothers our children are our fist priority but we can't forget about ourselves. A lot of times it allows us to step out of mommyville and come back refreshed! When is the last time you had time for yourself or girltime?

                                                              
                                

Me and my college friends!!!

Jessica M. Byrd is the parent of a two and one year old. 

She is the founder of Metro Detroit Mom's Club and believes 

every mother should live a life on purpose! 

For A Reason...

I wrote an A Team Blog post a couple of weeks ago titled Fight The Good Fight, about Marylin Mosby,  Baltimore’s State’s Attorney who told a room full of people during a prayer breakfast in Baltimore, Maryland, “Whenever I had that self-doubt, whenever I said this is too much for me to handle…I've got to tell you that God got me through and I have to believe that He put me here for a reason," in the midst of one of the most public civil right’s cases of our time.  Along with Marylin Mosby,  Stephen (Steph) Curry, Golden State Warriors guard, joins the list with Megan Good and Tim Tebow. The list I’m referring to is the list of believers that have become mainstream cultural icons and have taken the message of Jesus to a celebrity platform. Steph Curry—or, as written in his Twitter bio, a fellow ‘Believer’ has been making headline after headline for his handles on the court, his accurate shooting and more recently for his daughter Riley who stole the show at a post game press conference, but what’s often overlooked is his desire to share his faith in Jesus Christ.  Well, someone sent me another Steph Curry headline that read a lot differently from the rest, "THE HOLY SPIRIT IS MOVING THROUGH OUR LOCKER ROOM" SAYS NBA MVP STEPHEN CURRY”

Celebrity status seems like a gift and a curse to many, which at times may appear true, but the gift for believers everywhere is the opportunity to carry the message of Christ as far as possible. Steph recently told FCAMagazine.com in Curry: In His Own Words,  “During our Cinderella run to the 2008 Elite Eight, I knew the Lord was preparing me for a bigger stage to represent and be a witness for Him on the basketball court. I remembered my mom telling me from day one at Davidson that God puts His people in different areas of life so that they can reach more people for Him. I tried to use that time for His glory.”

It’s equally important for believers to reach super stardom, celebrity status and attain fame and fortune to allow Godly influences to change society. We have been strategically placed to shape an entire culture: Matthew 5:13-16 “Let me tell you why you are here. You’re here to be salt-seasoning that brings out the God-flavors of this earth…14-16“Here’s another way to put it: You’re here to be light, bringing out the God-colors in the world. God is not a secret to be kept. We’re going public with this, as public as a city on a hill. (MSG}

By: Ayana Bryant-Weekes 

How Has Your Childhood Affected You?

By: Jessica Byrd

This last Tuesday my hairdresser came to my house to do my hair, while my friend cooked, and entertained my children. Yes, this is why you need a great support system, especially with two toddlers running around. In the midst of me getting my hair done, we had good ole girl talk. I am not sure how we started talking about childhood, but the conversation was never ending when we talked about how we grew up. We hear it so much, how you grow up shapes your reality, but I am truly starting to notice how true this is. There were three women in the house, all had different perspectives and different realities about how things were and should be.

The more we talked the more I understood the value of your childhood. Do you know how many grown women, yes grown, are still fighting their childhood battles. Growing up in dysfunction, can make you think happiness is off your radar, even if happiness is in front of your face you will find something wrong (this speaks to me), some women saw daddy do everything, and can’t find or settle for a man to measure up, others are still hurt from the neglect of their parents and try to bury their issues. Some people grow up with no lines of communication, and taught to hide your emotions.

Just as I thought I was over this conversation, I saw someone post this on instagram the very next day.  

How deep is this? I immediately captured this picture and posted on my instagram account. It made me think about myself as a parent. What habits do I want to stop that can potently affect my children. Our children are aware even if we think they are too young. The can hear us arguing with daddy, cussing the lady out at the store. They know when we’re not paying attention because work is too important, they know when we don’t show up at a game, or dance recital. Our children are aware. Let’s be the best parents we can be. Starting with ourselves. As far as getting rid of your childhood hurt, know our parents are not perfect. Talk to them about our hurt, pray for forgiveness, and move forward being a better you!!! I suggest praying and fasting, it will allow for deliverance.

This weekend was busy for me, full of birthday dinners and birthday parties. This Saturday we celebrated Ms. London’s second birthday at Chuck E Cheese.

Jessica M. Byrd is the parent of a two and one year old.  She is the founder of Metro Detroit Mom's Club and believes  every mother should live a life on purpose!

No One Likes a Sore Loser

By: Ayana Bryant-Weekes 

Since I was a little girl I’ve always been into competitive sports—swimming, tennis, softball, track & field, soccer, dance, volleyball and the list goes on, and among the many lessons I’ve learned playing team and individual sports, one thing I’ve learned is that no one likes a sore loser. Unfortunately, I learned this lesson by being a sore loser.

In team sports, losing stings a little less because there are other players who’s actions may have contributed to the loss, for a sore loser, that’s a comforting feeling because you can share the loss with your teammates. On the other hand, in an individual sport, the brunt of a loss is solely on you—the individual player. Either way, if you haven’t learned how to lose, you miss the opportunity to learn from that experience.

A Relevant Magazine article called 4 Ways To Fail Well described 4 methods for handling failure:

1. Put It All Out There YOU control how you prepare, the amount of effort you put in, and the way you behave afterwards. [Colossians 3:23, “whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as if you were working for the Lord.”]  When failure happens, you want to look back and be able to say that you gave everything you had. Failure will hurt, especially if you put all you had into something and it doesn’t pan out the way you hoped, but you can walk away from it without any regrets or what if’s.

2. Don't Let Failure Make You Bitter It’s easy to be a good sport after winning or getting promoted or landing a new client but that “good sport” becomes hard to find when you’re fighting through feelings of anger, hurt, and sometimes shame. Coming face to face with the person who seemingly stands between you and success is already difficult let alone bowing out gracefully. It’s harder to offer grace to people whose win came at the cost of your loss, those feelings of anger and hurt are real and they’re valid. Handling failure well doesn’t mean ignore those feelings. “Be real with God and yourself. If it hurts, let Him know it hurts. If it makes you angry, tell Him you’re angry. But at the same time, we can’t hold onto them for too long.” [Ephesians 4:26-27 “Don’t sin by letting anger control you ... Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, for anger gives a foothold to the devil.”]

3. Don't Let Failure Become Final Sometimes, failures can feel like the end of the world. Some mistakes feel like they’re too big to bounce back from. But it only feels that way because you’re right in the middle of it. [Proverbs 24:16 “Though a righteous man falls seven times, he will get up.] Don’t let failing define you. “Your failure today could be the foundation for the breakthrough tomorrow. But that’ll never happen if you don’t get back on your feet.”

4. Learn and Grow from Failure. Failure can be the hardest class we ever take. However, most times failure is the push we need to go the next success. Usually because it’s at that point when we’re ready to actually listen. Failure can teach us lessons in humility, the value of endurance and recalibrate our lives in ways that nothing else can.

I look at failure as God’s tough love. He allows your plan to ‘fail’ so that you can turn your face to Him once you’ve run out of your own resources and experience His grace and magnificence in one instance.  “Romans 8:28 For we know that ALL things work together for the good of them that love the Lord who are called according to His purpose.”

M. O.M. Master of Many

By: Jessica Byrd

In honor of Mother’s Day, I had the privilege to be apart of a panel titled “M.O.M,” master of many. The panel discussion consisted of three ladies including myself, all of which are working, professional mothers. The panel discussion included key topics mothers faced in today’s society. This discussion was very refreshing in knowing we all have shortcomings, we’re not perfect, and parenting is trial and error.

Being that I have toddlers, one and two year old, I am always open to suggestions, and advice when it comes to the betterment of my children. A couple points that stood out were:

1. Don’t compare your children to each other, or to anyone’s else’s child- Social media has the weird way of making people think everyone life is perfect except yours. It has glorified parenting with cute outfits and playdates. But parenting was and still is a FULL-TIME job. Our children need attention, demand attention, and should always come first. You can’t compare a picture to real life. Each child is different, and each child requires something different.

2.      Old-School discipline works! -No I am not talking about spankings, I am talking about

time-outs, the evil look, and etc.  But one thing that really stood out is when a fellow

panelist told me she learned from her mom when her children are misbehaving she tells   

them to get their act together or they’re going home and going to bed. I said wow! and

asked her so when they don’t listen, do you really make them go to bed, she said YES!

She also mentioned she learned this from trial and error. I know spankings are easy, but

personally I haven’t found them to be that effective, especially not with my daughter. I

have found time outs to really help, and sometimes the old school pinch. When I heard

of this method, I thought this really teaches your children the proper way to act,

and consequences when they’re misbehaving.

        

3.    Be a mother, not a robot- As mothers we have a lot on our plate, to say you live a

      balanced life is hard, wherever you’re giving more of your energy to, you’re slacking

      somewhere else. As mothers we have to learn not to over commit, make things that are

      important to us a priority, but most importantly don’t lose site of our own dreams and your

      own goals. We can’t be three places at one time, so really take time to understand what

      matters the most, but don’t lose yourself trying to be perfect. Trying to perfect and

      pleasing everyone will kill you. Believe me I know.

4.   We’re our children’s first example- Yes, children learn things at school, from friends, but

      we’re our children first role model. Children will get influenced, children will learn

      from their peers, but just like the bible says, “Train up a child in the way he should go,

      and when he is old he will not depart from it.” Proverbs 22:6. We have to be firm about

 our house rules, and what standards we set for our children, most importantly we have to be

 mindful of our own actions.

5.  If something is not ok, then say it’s not ok - One thing I’ve noticed as young parents we

    tend to second-guess our beliefs because our parents or grandparents may

    disagree with our parenting style or rules. While learning from our elders is very important

    it doesn’t mean they’re rules are golden, especially when it comes to your own household.

I had such a great time chatting with these ladies! Raising a child really takes a village. I am so excited to have Mommy Minutes with you guys. If you have any topics or questions you will like me to cover please feel free to email me at: mrsjessicamarieb@gmail.com

Here’s how I enjoyed my mother’s day. I took my children to have a Day with Thomas at The Henry Ford Museum. When my daughter saw Thomas she screamed, THOMAS!!! We had a chance to ride on the train, get Thomas tattoos, play with bubbles, and ride in cars. It was a blast, and we will be returning next year!!

Jessica M. Byrd is the parent of a two and one year old. 

She is the founder of Metro Detroit Mom's Club and believes 

every mother should live a life on purpose!